What a Load of Bullshit
Have you ever walked around feeling really heavy? Like you have something on your back that you just can’t seem to explain? Yeah. Me too. Let me tell you a story about a load of bullshit.
We start this life in the innocence of childhood. Unbeknownst to us, we are filled to the brim with rules and expectations we had no part in creating, but because our little brains and our little hearts are so new on this earth, we go with it. These rules and expectations tell us, based on our gender, race, and socio-economic status how we should act, how we should be treated, and what our goals should be in this life. Of course, all of it is a heaping load of bullshit, but unfortunately, we don’t know this until it’s too late.
We begin to grow, all the while we carry this heaping load of bullshit on our backs with us all the way. We don’t realize we’re not supposed to feel this heavy. We have no idea that we can actually just take that load off and toss it away. We don’t know this because everyone is carrying the same load, and who do we think we are believing we are somehow so special we can get out of carrying that load of bullshit? So, we carry on. We except what this load tells us we are supposed to be, and you would think that because this load is telling us what we’re supposed to be and how we’re supposed to think it would make life easier. I mean, life is hard enough so if you’re anything like me, you’re kind of grateful for the instructions. Yet…what we feel is some kind of unrest. We feel burdened but we don’t know why. We feel discontented, under AND overwhelmed. Inevitably, we begin to blame ourselves for these feelings that we don’t even understand. We turn on our TV’s, we flip through magazines, we have conversations with folks raised in generations before ours and all we seem to hear from everyone and everything is that we’re not smart enough. We’re not man enough. We’re not skinny enough. We’re not pretty enough. We’re not young enough. We’re not rich enough. Even though we don’t want to believe it, the load on our back is our verification that yes, it’s true. You’re not enough of…well, anything.
We enter adulthood-ish. We got through the pimples, the weird things our bodies do without our consent or understanding, the awkward dates and fumblings in backseats, the clubs we join to be cool, the rumors we hear and tell to maintain our coolness. We hung on with both hands and survived. Now our load of bullshit gets heavier. It reminds us that we’re still not enough but we hear a whisper from the load that that can be solved if we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for something called a degree. We’re not quite sure how this is supposed to work out in our favor because this means we need to somehow figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives right at the same time that we’re still learning how to do our own laundry without turning every goddamn thing pink. But, we check in with our load and are told, yep—this is truth. So we go on.
The load gets heavier. We have this clawing inside of our bodies, like something is trying to get out but we push it down. You have a secret dream but the load of bullshit laughs at you and tells you to get your head on straight. You don’t really want to be a painter/musician/social worker/writer/blogger/any other profession that is “silly”. You want to be a lawyer/doctor/engineer/any other profession that allows some people around you that aren’t living your life to brag about you as if it’s their life. You can’t blame them though. They have their own super-sized load of bullshit on their own backs. You can feel something is wrong, yet you still can’t quite put your finger on it.
You fall in love, or you don’t. If you do, your load reminds you that you are at a socially acceptable age to follow the ritualistic path of relationship expectations. Everyone else’s load tells them the same thing about you and you are then continually inundated with the question you can’t seem to get away from: “When are you getting engaged?” Pretty soon you start to wonder why you’re not engaged to this person and your load reminds you that this is how things go and so without even questioning if this is how you want this to go, you’re soon engaged. Then you’re married. Your load is so happy for you.
Your load of bullshit not only gets heavier but now it begins to stink. You know something is really wrong here, but then for some reason, you accept that you woke up accidentally domesticated one day and your load just got a new load on top of that load. You have a mortgage to go along with that white picket fence, 2 car notes, a dog and 2.5 kids to feed. Your load reminds you that, of course, you wanted to get married, become a parent, drive a fancy car, live in a fancy house you can barely afford, vacation with your neighbors every year, work for The Man, and shop at Costco. That’s what people do. You scratch your head at this because you never said you didn’t want these things, you just never considered until now that you had the right to choose how and when and even if you wanted these things. You feel duped. Your load convinces you to brush it off. So you do. Your load is relieved.
Then you begin to question the load. This makes the load super unhappy. The more you question it, the more the load starts creating little disruptions in your life. You talk about changing your life and your load tells your spouse’s load all about it and now your spouse is confused. Your load reaches out to the loads of bullshit attached to the backs of your friends and they begin to back away. Then your load really does you in and sends up smoke signals to the loads on your mom, dad, and sibling’s backs. This is your bedrock you’ve always counted on, and your family is now aggravated and angry with you because they have no idea what you’re talking about. “What the hell is a ‘load?” they ask. “Are you crazy??”
If you don’t fall in love, well…that just comes with an even bigger load of bullshit. Your load tells you there is obviously something wrong with you, and you believe it. Your load has informed you, pretty much since birth, that you are supposed to grow up, get educated, get married, and have babies. Yes, in that order. Duh. To go outside of that order only adds another load of bullshit on top of your bullshit. If you consider not doing any one of these things your load reminds you of your failings every moment that it gets. Your load will make sure that everyone thinks you’re strange. Different. Abnormal. People will look at you differently and will talk behind your back about how sorry they feel for you. You will begin to feel sorry for yourself too. Sometimes you’ll question why you’re feeling sorry for yourself, but don’t worry, your load will remind you, along with everyone else’s load of bullshit too.
You begin to understand that you just accepted this load without question but then sparks fly when you have the epiphany that you don’t have to listen to the load of bullshit anymore. You start to consider pulling it off of your back and throwing it away. Then your little rebellions start and with each small change you make in your life, you feel a little lighter.
Then your load rebels right back and just when you thought you had it all figured out, your load somehow forms a big fist and sucker punches you right in your gob and all of sudden you can’t breathe. All you wanted was to have the right to question the load of bullshit. When you started down that path, it was like all the loads of bullshit on everyone’s backs in the whole world conspired to take you down. How dare you question your place in this world? You’re a woman. Your goal in life is to be a selfless mother and wife. You’re a man. Your goal in this life is to be a husband and father that provides, and a man that seeks (and finds) power and money. You’re not white. Your goal is to remain under the superiority and judgment of white people and know your place. You're poor. Your goal is to remain poor so that everyone with money can feel better about themselves and how will they know to feel better about themselves if they don’t have your poorness as a reminder? You’re rich. Your goal is to remain rich, even at the expense of other’s lives. It’s that simple.
You know these things are wrong. Even though you’ve been raised to believe these things, you can just feel it in your bones that this is all wrong. You take your load off and though you feel free, somehow, some way, you lose everything. You lose what you thought you knew. You lose the comfort and security that came with the instructions you were given when you were a child. You lose people you thought loved you and were with you regardless of your load. You realize that some people can only be loved and only love so long as the load of bullshit goes unquestioned. Some understand and they happily remove their load of bullshit along with you and you’re so happy for it. But you can’t help being so sad that there’s no turning back. You miss your load and so you try to put it back on. You never meant to hurt anyone. Only now, your load of bullshit doesn’t fit. No matter how you try to push and pull and move and reposition it, it just doesn’t fit. You’re a little scared and a lot confused. No one gave you instructions for living a life without a load of bullshit.
Then, one day it all makes sense. You think about how it felt to rip your load of bullshit from your back and leave it in a lumpy pile on the ground in front of you. Even though walking away from your load was scary as fuck, and also forced you to walk in a new direction without a map or any instructions, you can’t help but know so deep inside that this was what was meant to be. You now understand you had to carry that load of bullshit for as long as it took to understand that you didn’t have to carry that load of bullshit. You giggle at that thought, look up from the ground, and begin walking. You feel so light.
As you look around, you’re stunned as you realize that you can now see who is still carrying loads of bullshit on their backs, and who isn’t. Though you learn how to live in peace with those that still carry their load, you are so STOKED because you have also now found a new community of load-free peeps. Ahhhhhhhhhhh…you feel so…freeeeeeeeeee.
Who knew how much you could learn from a load of bullshit?
