Young and Pretty: How to Land a Man After Divorce (apparently)
This last month of a new life has been so surreal. Living one very specific way for 19 years and then not living that way overnight can really throw a girl, even if the choice to do so was actually her own decision. What’s been suuuuper fun is people’s reactions to my new situation. From folks I have known for years and years, to folks I don’t know one bit, what comes out of people’s mouths in response to something deeply personal happening in real time in my life has been comical. And aggravating. And thought-provoking. And downright infuriating at times. Mostly, it’s just been interesting.
I’m not a shopper but a mother-load of “new home” shopping needed to be done and so off to the magical kingdom of Home Goods I went. As I pull my overflowing cart up to the 60+ female cashier, I watched as her eyes darted back and forth between me and all the stuff in my cart. There was clearly some kind of story here. Not surprisingly, her curiosity got the better of her.
Cashier: “Gifts for someone?”
Me: “Nope”
Cashier: “Kiddo going to college?”
Me: “Nope”
Cashier: “Throwing out all the old stuff?”
Me: “Yep. My marriage.”
Cashier, while eyeing me from head to toe, in a sweet voice mixed with a hint of pity: “You’re still young and pretty…you’ll be alright.”
You’re still young and pretty…you’ll be alright.
My first thought was, ‘What an odd thing to say.’ My second thought was, ‘Well that’s a blog post waiting to happen.’ I instantly understood that the insinuation was that I had 2 of the most important traits in finding a mate, and as such, I shouldn’t worry because I won’t have to be single for long. The implication here being that being single is undesirable, and I won’t be alright until I am attached to another mate again.
I completely understood why she said this, as being attached to someone is what culture dictates as most desirable, and I forgave it all instantly because my third thought was that it was such a generational thing to say. But then, it’s not really. And I asked myself, ‘How many women in my situation actually think this way??’
Maybe I’m naive but this thought never entered my mind. In fact, I never even really thought about the transition from one classification to the other.
Not single —> Single.
It’s not that I didn’t notice the category I’m now situated in. It’s that I didn’t think of it in terms of what characteristics I held that may take me from the latter category back to the former as quickly as possible. I hadn’t even considered that I wouldn’t be alright as a newly single woman.
Let’s break this down.
YOUNG. I’m not oblivious to the fact that culture reveres and even rewards youth. Youth is so worshipped in our society that people, mostly women, shoot poisonous chemicals into their skin to be wrinkle-free, and even undergo surgery that could end their lives just to maintain a “youthful figure”. It has become such an obsession that people would rather be covered in angry, permanent scars than cellulite.
In recent years, I started to notice how often women would gleefully say to me that I look so much younger than my actual age. Women in my age group LOVE rooting each other on with kudos for how much work we put into looking younger than we actually are. Before now, I would stick that little feather in my cap and revel in how good of a job I was doing at superseding the status quo. But now…the thing is, I wouldn’t return to my youth in physical characteristics or mindset to save my life. I’d never give up the growth, wisdom, and clarity that age has brought me to fit into a societal norm that has for all of my life consistently tried to tell me that I do not and never could fit inside that norm.
I’ve never had more wrinkles, cellulite, and girth than I do now and I’ve never been more confident in myself. If you follow me then you know I even decided to go all gray. Not only was I sick of dying my roots every 3 weeks, but I realized I had no idea who in the world I was going through all the trouble for. I dyed my hair to hide my grays. I hid my grays because it would show my age, or goddess forbid, make me look older. I realized that I had no desire to look younger than I am. For me, the desire to do so was a smack in the face to the beauty and gift of growing older.
I’m way more interested in normalizing natural aging than trying to beat it into submission to make everyone else around me more comfortable.
PRETTY. I’m not exactly winning beauty pageants or donning the cover of magazines, but I can hold my own. And sure…I don’t mind being pretty. I am no fool and I know it has worked in my favor at times like I know I need oxygen. However, first of all, I did nothing to acquire it. I can thank my mother for that. Second of all, I don’t need “pretty" to be “alright”. In fact, “pretty” has been more trouble than it’s worth on more occasions than I care to remember. One of the BEST things about getting older is the lack of attention that comes with it. Not to mention that “pretty” is subjective. There’s a reason “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a bumper sticker. Am I right or am I right??
My lovely sales attendant was trying to make me feel better by pointing out the things that she believes I possess that culture deems worthy of love. In her mind, if I possess these traits then I can land a man, which apparently will make my life “alright”. Meaning, I won’t become the sad, pathetic cautionary tale for all the little girls on How Not to End Up in Life.
Apparently, I can’t be “alright” if I remain unattached. And apparently I should be scared that either “young” or “pretty” (OR BOTH!! OH GAWD!) will expire and then I’ll be in a whole world of mess…
It’s interesting how a single, aging woman that is happy being single while also aging can make everyone around them so confused and even uncomfortable. So much so that they rush to tell you that you’ll be “alright” because you still fit into certain categories that will permit you to reenter into the same situation that just about shattered your heart to get out of. Yeah…opting out, but thanks.
For the record, I’m alright right now. In fact, I’m better than alright. Sure, life is strange right now and not just a little disorienting, but you might be surprised to hear that youth and good looks hasn’t been entered onto any lists I’ve made regarding my wide open future.
I think I’ll pass on just “alright” and go straight to magnificent, extraordinary, magical, marvelous, and phenomenal. And guess what? I can do that All. On. My. Own. *clink clink*
