Sensual Repression
“I’m a modest girl, much to my husband’s dismay”, she said to me in an email.
I, of course, didn’t believe her and I knew the question I’d ask her when we met for her session. It’s the same question I ask a lot of my clients.
Are you really not a sensual woman, or are you just repressing it?
The thing is, I know better. I am fully aware that most women are simply telling themselves something that makes them feel more comfortable in their own skin. It’s easier to believe that you’re just simply not a sensual being than it is to own that part of yourself. Let’s break down why.
First, I will bet that most of you women, just like me, were raised to believe you needed to be the “good girl”. Good girls don’t flirt, they don’t make out, and they certainly don’t go “all the way” and if they do it’s a HUGE secret, only shared with the bestest of best friends. However, to land a guy (which is, of course, our only true worthy goal in this life), we are taught that we have to be juuuuuust the right amount of flirt to get his attention, but not give him the wrong impression. We have to appear “accidentally” sexy, because to appear consciously and overtly sexy would make you an undesirable mate. Too much confidence or sex appeal is definitely not in the Good Girl’s handbook. *tsk *tsk. Even if we didn’t have parents that taught us these things outright, we were lucky enough to have school, media, and all kinds of written stuff, plus “wisdom” dropped to us from our older relatives. My mother never said a word of this to me, ever, but I certainly picked it up quite easily from somewhere!
We are spoon fed this toxic recipe that is equal parts good girl, and equal parts tease. We are told not to act out, be loud, bold, or goddess forbid: overly confident or desirable. It’s no wonder that we walk around trying to suppress our own nature to be sensual beings. It’s no wonder to me how and why boudoir photography came into life
When I read that statement that my client wrote to me, it was the moment of GAME ON for me. Anytime I read or hear a woman tell me that before her session, I instantly go into CHALLENGE ACCEPTED mode. So while she was sitting in hair and makeup, I asked her, “Is it that you are truly not a sensual woman, or that you’ve just repressed it?” She paused, thought about it, and began to admit that, yes, it really could be a matter of the latter.
Can I tell you that within 10 minutes of her shoot she proved very easily to herself that, good golly Miss Molly, she is very certainly an incredibly sensual woman. The difference is that I provided a safe, comfortable, and creative space for her to explore her own relationship with her own sensuality. There was no judgment, no rules, and no restrictions. Just her and her own boundaries to challenge. It’s a marvel how at those moments I can actually become a non-entity. At best I encourage, cheer, and even nudge, but I believe it is my biggest responsibility to disappear during a shoot, and when I can achieve that, it’s a good day.
Second, it’s sooooo much easier to hide, play down and suppress our sensual nature. We get to take cover when we do that. We get to stay in the shadows, away from attention, safely out of eyesight. Listen, I get it...most attention we women get is the kind we definitely do not desire. It takes a bold and confident, gives-zero-fucks kinda gal to deal with that all the time. Sometimes it’s just safer to duck and hide, and on so many levels. But most times I think it’s a self-preservation kind of thing. We have been told you have to be 5’10”, skinny, young, and perfect to be allowed to act confident, sexy, and powerful. Sure, there are the unicorns out there that fall outside of those confines and are still “given permission” to outwardly accept their sensuality, but it’s either rare or made into such a big deal that in the end it just supports the tall, skinny, young thing: “OH MY GOSH LOOK AT HER!! She’s 45/55/65 and so confident. She’s not a size 2 and she is just so sexy! YOU GO, WOMAN!!” *insert eye roll here* As if she is a beacon of strength for simply being confident in her own skin, while not looking like Angelina Jolie. HOW BRAVE!
The thing is, we are born sensual and sexual. We are born with the same desires as men. We are born with the same sexual needs. We just also happen to be the unfortunate gender being told we are not allowed to express those needs and desires. How fucking unfair is that shit??
I know all of this because I was that woman walking around saying that I was just not that kind of gal. Truth is I’m a very sensual woman (honestly, how could I not be with the line of work I’m in) and when I finally admitted it to myself, life got better. I know what you’re thinking: sex. But you’d be wrong. I don’t need sex to be or feel sensual. They are 2 completely different things. One is an act. The other is a part of who I am and is infused within every other part of me: funny, generous, kind, strong, badass, sensual, sexy, confident…and oh yeah…powerful AF. What I mean is, I discovered another piece of myself that I was hiding, and uncovering that was like a huge breath of fresh air because when you make a discovery about yourself, any discovery, it’s like coming home to your Self. It’s that one more notch in your life that moves you closer to truest nature. Getting to know your TRUE self is a lot of work, but it reaps such rich rewards.
Do yourself a favor, ladies: take a chance into taking a deep dive into yourself. Whatever that means to you, run with it. Next time your catch yourself saying you’re “just not that kind of gal”, stop yourself, adjust, and reconsider. You just might discover something entirely new about yourself.
