Personal Boundaries: Why You Need Them and How to Set Them
Personal boundaries are the property lines, limits, and/or rules we create that teach people how we want to be treated. They protect us from what we personally deem unacceptable behaviors from other people while establishing what is and is not acceptable in our life.
Healthy personal boundaries are created out of a strong sense of self, rather than with the intent to punish, blame, or otherwise hurt someone. Your personal boundaries are just as important to others as they are to you. Realize that most folks don’t intend to hurt you. They don’t typically intend to overwhelm or otherwise put you out. But all of this can happen if you’re not crystal clear on your boundaries.
Personal boundaries aren't about getting people to change as much as they are about making it clear that you're not going to tolerate behavior that compromises your sense of self.
Radical honesty is a big part of this and it’s just what you would think it is: total and complete honesty. Here's the thing: when you practice radical honesty, there is no confusion, no gray area, and no room for misinterpretation. It is one of the most respectful things you can not only do for yourself, but for every other person in your life as well. It makes what you need, what you think, what you will and will not tolerate, and what you are and are not willing to do in any given situation crystal clear.
Don't mistake radical honesty with mistreatment. Radical honesty is anything but that. Just because you're being fully honest doesn't mean you're not delivering that honesty with kindness and respect. You're simply informing someone of your personal boundaries when you respond with honesty. There is no downside to transparency.
So let’s move on to how we actually set personal boundaries.
Understand what you need and what you want from others and, generally speaking, what you want your life and each day to look and feel like. You can't set a personal boundary without some level of self-awareness and a great deal of self-worth. You have to know that you're worthy of respect from others, and this includes people adhering to your boundaries.
Be transparent about what you determine from #1 with everyone in your life. This comes back to radical honesty. People can't adhere to your boundaries if they don't know what they are. Do you need an hour in the morning to engage in your lifestyle practice? Do your kids need to speak to you with respect? Do you need your partner to check in with you before plans are made with friends for the evening, which could result in your evening being canceled? These are just a few examples of personal boundaries.
Take time to teach people how you want to be treated. You will, most certainly, have folks that will test your boundaries every chance they get. Teach them through your response that your boundaries are firm for everyone.
Follow your own boundaries. Actions speak louder than words so remember that if you're not adhering to your own boundaries, why should anyone else?
Take time before answering yes or no. Most people's gut reaction is to give the answer someone else wants to hear, rather than gauging what we actually want or need. No one is going to be angry with you if you ask for a few minutes before answering them. These few minutes give you a little time to consider what's best for you in any given situation.
Remember that when you set and hold personal boundaries firmly, you're ultimately giving your loved ones access to the best version of yourself. When you're living honestly and authentically, while teaching those closest to you how to love you best, you're available to love them right back with your full self.
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If you’d like more information on how to start living the life you were meant to live, reach out and see how I can help.
